well, it's been several months now, feeling like utter crap, and enough is enough!
i'm finally starting to break the chain, and pull free of my emotional prison :)
now i'm not saying it's going to be easy from now on, far from it, but at least now i can start again, and begin moving forward (tiny, weeny, baby steps of course, but forward all the same)!
i no longer want to stay locked away in the house seeing noone and disputing life. i no longer feel like i just want to die - maybe there is something to live for after all.
sq might be dead now, or at least dying, but i am not and that's what counts.
i still feel such sadness, pain and anger, but now they are softened with cotton wool and feel much easier to tread through/over. and i can feel good things now too, so there is so much more balance, where there was none before :)
i am going to start afresh...build a new life, a new beginning - just for me, not for anybody else (selfish, but you have to be sometimes, otherwise everyone else in your life doesn't get your best). i will take positive steps, and not go back to my evil place (or at least i will try my very hardest, because i hate myself when i am there). i am not always proud of some of the things that i do, but sometimes they were all that i could do, and sometimes were necessary (at least at the time). i will push for more constructive answers and actions from this moment onwards.
though my dark place (not the same as evil, just to clarify) might still be waiting to consume me, i will not be afraid to go back there. maybe it is sometimes good to revisit it so that i can take a step back and keep on track (im not all that convinced by that, but im trying to put a positive spin on things).
there will be positive actions, i will not let myself neglect important things and i will try to seek help for those things which i just cannot handle alone (though for what exactly and in what form i am not sure just yet).
maybe if i do it for me, and find my way again, i can let others into my life and share what i find so difficult to share of myself (in some ways, everything)
my map and compass have been trodden on but i can still make out my path, even if it is smeared with mud. at least now i have some tools to help again, instead of wandering blindly and stumbling at every step.
i dont want to be lonely anymore. i dont want to waste the rest of my life. i really want to live...
don't be strangers!
i hope everyone else out there never becomes as lost as that. and if you do i will always be hear to listen and try to help. i am sorry if i have been away for a while, but even then i was here for you all.
take care everyone and i hope you all have the lives you want now, even if they might not have been what you had wished for in the past. now is what counts, be realistic, but never forget your hopes and dreams. enjoy everything that comes your way!
loads of love, hugs and bubbles
S/Kx
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