tour, bed and all manner of things (erm, possibly)

Hello again...i am currently posting from my bed, as am very tired and am enjoying the resting and non-groundness of my mattress; plus i am a little bit ill, though not exactly feeling rough with it, which is always a good thing :) before i continue i would just like to say that this entry will be lacking in some detail for more than one reason.

I shall start with wednesday; don't really think much happened, got back here from home...unpacked then packed again for the weekend, i also believe i ventured to the shop for a few things.thats about it...i know, you can just feel the excitement...

thursday, however, was different and was the beginning of tour. i got up at a reasonable hour and made my way to the station almost getting trapped in one of the ticket gates and meeting a couple of the guys before we got the meeting point and found we were seeming the first ones there. but soon enough we were joined by everyone else. at this point i was feeling a little internal, but that passed soon enough with a burger and getting on the train.to bournemouth we shall go.

other people's complaints and a near concussed fellow passenger aside, we reached our destination without a hitch and set up camp.havent been camping in ages, but was all good. that night was pretty chilled and we had our fire sorted...a fire EVERYONE would soon come to know and love - we are ace!

friday, well, what can i say...i died and was resurrected, all by 2.15 in the afternoon. did not play any hockey that day either...(that's me personally, not the team). many antics followed. lots of people, music, dancing, nakedness of various degrees (not my own, may i add), games and other such things.

saturday...hmm, not all that different to friday i guess, except the dieing and i actually played a match, yay me!confessions and other such things ensued (though not confined to saturday...the previous night had seen some too). both friday and saturday were filled with other people's stroppiness, sulking and pointiness but all in all there was lots of shiny happy people (apart from one minor incident, me included). there was foam and there was logs and wet bums...warm fire and sociable people. plus some insane people (let's just say burning your own shoes is not a sign of being sound of mind).

no sleep later and along came yesterday...the weather, which had been brilliant all weekend was starting to wane just a little bit. and though i was slightly sad to be leaving, we packed up and left the remaining teams to it. i must say, though, that me (and my hair) were very much looking forward to the shower which awaited me when i got home - it was sooooo good!! i even had a postcard awaiting me from N when i got back; made me smile. :)

went out for a curry with some of the guys (and a coupla extras)...mmm proper food. and despite much input stunning me into occasional silence along with being ever so sleepy, it was great to end the weekend this way. along with climbing into bed last night! had a fantastic night's sleep. had a brilliant weekend.

well i think that's it for now, plus im really quite hungry and it is most definitely lunch time, so i will get back to you when i can.

x

today

today i saw my brother...shock horror!and finally got my hair cut. watched 'spirited away'; enjoyed... :)
other than that, not much to tell really...
gargh!
x

crazy

aahh, nothing like a not-so-cryptic message to one, buried under a not-so-true message to all...

damnit, why can i not be more subtle...or at least not feel the need to ensure i know what's going on at every turn...

ok, now i sound insane; oh well, nothing new here then!
x

still here...

ok, well i thought i would plunge back in for a bit...minus the details.
though im sure you would all love (read; not care in the slightest) to know the sordid details of absolutely anything going on in my life right now!

well, ok, since my last proper post (ie a week ago i believe) a few things have occurred which have led to my resources being sucked on quite fervently. everything got chucked up in the air and fell down again all in the wrong places. i am not denying any blame, nobody's perfect, we all make mistakes, and i am quite willing to admit my own (though not to those it doesnt concern...).

now this has led to me being quite upset (and i know im not the only one). but right now (other than being home) i am in a reasonable place right now. as someone said to me recently (and you know who you are...) que sera sera. i've just gotta get on with it for now, and im pretty good at doing that by all accounts, due to the countless years of practice i have had! all i have to do is wait it out and deal with it when it comes...joy. And mum, please don't ask...if i wanted you to know, i would tell you; there's just no point in worrying!

plus there is now one more person encompassed in my circle of whatever now...its ever expanding (albeit incredibly slowly) and i can be me. :)

i've even learnt to swallow tablets (now don't any of you out there worry...i won't be using that for bad means; trust me, it would prolly take me several days to OD and by that point my body will have already dealt with the first few...)! it would be like trying to OD on lemsip...hmm interesting thought.i just thought i'd share, as those of you who know me reasonably well will know i havent been able to do this, and its a small achievement; even if it does sound stupid to some of you.

saturday i journeyed back to this place, and though at first it was all fine, i just cant get any peace or quiet here. at least i wont be here for much longer. there is far too much noise, and not enough quiet company (or alone time)...at least the dogs understand. And though there has been a loss, and emotions are all turned upside-down, it's just no excuse for turning them on each other. All i wanted was a few days away from things, for a bit of a rest...all i get is noise in my head. disorganisation, and incoordination.

today was ok, i went out alone and walked, and shopped silently (despite talking a little to myself - but then, dont we all...) ;) it was peaceful, though perhaps a little lonely. i remembered the kids; thought about them a lot...it put such a smile on my face!i even looked at my big photo album from my travels last year...suffice it to say there was even a grin in the smile's place!
I got a few things sorted, and now i think boredom will ensue for a little while.but tomorrow will be a new day and i can organise everything and make sure i can go on the train without looking like a pack-horse on wednesday!i cant believe how many lists i have made these past few days...and i know that to get my head round everything i need to make at least one more 'uber-list'.heh...odd how we all get by.

i love every single one of you out there (though one of you more than you know...), and appreciate your support to the extent that there are no words to express my true gratitude.thank you...

i hope the above sentiment gets to the one person who i want to receive it most (and to who it actually rings true)...that message will always be unfaltering, no matter what. you know who you are and there is something in that which you have not heard from me before, that i have not directed towards you before...but it is there and i need you to know. more so, as before i have said that it might not even exist inside of me...but having you touch my life has meant that somewhere within me i can feel it, bubbling to the surface, wanting to get out...

now all we can do is wait and see.

x

back home

havent been posting much recently...sorry about that (if there's anyone out there reading this).
just got a few things on my mind.
will get back to you soon enough.
x

*sigh*

...

ok....erm...ararggghhhhh!

well, i did it - finally told the woman; and yes, it was f#*k$ng difficult to say the least.
am sorry guys but still cant tell you yet; just difficult for me.but maybe one day...
anyways...see i said i'd prolly be back tonight.
been writing a 'stress diary' for college; has 4 items in it for today, the above being the last, and most stressful!tomorrow should be better; at least i can now say it's over...now all i've got left to do tonight is email N. that shouldnt be stressful at all, as i pretty much know what i wanna write already.
ok, well gonna go now.
x

A while

Hmm, well as the title suggests, I havent posted for a short while, so i thought i'd better update.
Wasnt really out much last week; exam coming up and all, but then again i dint exactly do much work for it either (oops)...oh well, i have the utmost confidence in something which means i didnt fail...hmm.
went to see the show though, which i enjoyed and stayed stone cold sober that night, despite ending in the union. an unusual occurence, perhaps.
went up to the lakes - was fun!always like some time to get away, just take a break from things. despite not getting out on the saturday, sunday was brilliant, but now i need to catch up on some sleep (which is perfectly viable this week)! :D
other than that though, nowt much exciting has happened to me in the past week, and so far, today is no exception...but then, only time will tell, as with most things i guess. i may very well be back later.
x

uh huh

well, what can i say...yesterday's work plan went bust...
but all there is to do now is work for the exam, so it's not too bad, and once i've finished my lunch rascal is going to bed for the rest of the day!
am very much looking forward to the end of friday...yay! :D
it's a very odd phenomenon but i keep finding myself calling my mum; very odd indeed.
when i go home, i'm gonna tell her...but then i may say that now - how brave - but what will happen when it actually comes to it. ho hum. At least it won't be like telling her i'm pregnant or dropping outta college or something; that would prolly give her a heart attack! Maybe that should be my tactic...tell her something far worse, then say 'oh, sorry, only joking, what i actually wanted to say was...', and yes, i know what you're thinking, probably not the best of ideas!
ok, well, not really sure what else to post...if i finish later i might be bak then, but i wouldnt hold out any hope; yesterday's lack of work means i have to do more today. d'oh!
x

Purpose, worry and stuff

Ok, just for a little clarity...there are a number of reasons for this site; the main two being:

For me to get a few things off my chest once in a while

For anyone who's interested; to maybe give them an idea of what's going on with me at the time...
Sorry guys, i know i can be pretty quiet sometimes, and when we're out or whatever, it's not that i'm not enjoying myself (very rarely at least) or that i don't enjoy your company, it's just who i am i guess... :)
Anyways...despite some of the things i have said here or perhaps some of the ways you see me act sometimes, i am actually ok. Most of the time the things on here are just thoughts, and a way for me to process them, just a way for me to organise things. I am really pretty content right now, on the whole...i may have my ups and downs, bu then, dont we all?!
Anyways...feel free to look on here anytime, and maybe use it if you want to keep in touch or whatever - i know i dont always come out or see you often outside of college or whatever.

Might as well as the other half of what i want to rant about...stops me doing a whole other post afterall...
Ok well, im currently worried about D, as always, and most likely due to some fault of my own our friendship has been flailing a bit as of late. Hopefully this will turn around for the better soon enough. I really dont like him to think that i dont care...

gotta go, but maybe check back in later.x

A part of me

Standing by the bridge, I hear their voices - I know beyond a doubt that they are there, but as I shout I see nothing but the deserted streets

Shouting, but I am alone in an empty world...

beauty

To remember a night when he was so stunning - the most beautiful man I have seen...
I wish to add a good memory to another such time;

HooGrrnnnn...

Ok, well I finally managed to get pizza wed, though of the more expensive kind...the nearby places which deliver failed to recognise my postcode, despite it being about 10 minutes up the road!grr!
What I did get was yummy though...
Yesterday was pretty non-incidental...and managed to remeber mother's day. On that note, I seem to have incited some interest within my mother for my own topic of interest - she's been asking around and everything.
Read some more of my book when i went to bed early last night...is absolutely insane!
Woke up from a crazy arse dream this morning too...though it was pretty cool, and i almost wish the alarm hadnt gone off. If it wasnt for the snow swirling outside my window, the frozen canal and the swan, i would have been far more peeved...
Been attmpting to work all day since i got back from tutorial, though it's taken quite a while to finish, as you know me and my attention span-distractibility of a puppy on crack.
Will be at the books again all day tomorrow...damn mexico!Lots of good things intermingled with the bad next week, should be an interesting experience.
Spoke to N online earlier...which was pretty cool.
Ok, not much more to report, i dont think, so i'll leave you with that.
x

haven't a clue

Right, I seem to be back again...
the fashion show was on last night, was a good night, but all the noise, people and especially the lights (and vibrations from the bass) got a bit too much, moreso towards the end.
Still can't believe he's now blonde!
TBH went well today too, but was a little exhausting...good job I'm not going out later. I think trying to limit my major social contact to one big thing a day is quite a good plan, that way I won't burn out!
Other than work, not much to do for the rest of the week, which is brilliant, as far as I'm concerned.
Regarding another matter - I think this is a very accurate way of putting things..."What about this, thinking you fit fine in the NT world, but then suddenly realizing maybe they all think I'm REALLY odd and they are just being nice... That limbo feeling can be hard, could it be that the more high functioning one is, the more inner conflict may occur, b/c then both internalized and external expectations become referenced more to NT lifestyles and acomplishments, so you are always feeling confused and falling short?" (Gracieann1).
I really don't care anymore, I am just gonna try being myself...it's probably easier that way and I can be more honest with myself as well. I even wrote down what I might tell my mum last night, but it could be a little harsh with mother's day coming up an' all, so I think i will wait a small while.
I have a good feeling at the moment, and I hope it doesn't get shaken free! Might have to get some food though, as am incredibly hungry!quite fancy pizza...
xXx