new life

well, it's been several months now, feeling like utter crap, and enough is enough!
i'm finally starting to break the chain, and pull free of my emotional prison :)
now i'm not saying it's going to be easy from now on, far from it, but at least now i can start again, and begin moving forward (tiny, weeny, baby steps of course, but forward all the same)!

i no longer want to stay locked away in the house seeing noone and disputing life. i no longer feel like i just want to die - maybe there is something to live for after all.
sq might be dead now, or at least dying, but i am not and that's what counts.

i still feel such sadness, pain and anger, but now they are softened with cotton wool and feel much easier to tread through/over. and i can feel good things now too, so there is so much more balance, where there was none before :)

i am going to start afresh...build a new life, a new beginning - just for me, not for anybody else (selfish, but you have to be sometimes, otherwise everyone else in your life doesn't get your best). i will take positive steps, and not go back to my evil place (or at least i will try my very hardest, because i hate myself when i am there). i am not always proud of some of the things that i do, but sometimes they were all that i could do, and sometimes were necessary (at least at the time). i will push for more constructive answers and actions from this moment onwards.
though my dark place (not the same as evil, just to clarify) might still be waiting to consume me, i will not be afraid to go back there. maybe it is sometimes good to revisit it so that i can take a step back and keep on track (im not all that convinced by that, but im trying to put a positive spin on things).
there will be positive actions, i will not let myself neglect important things and i will try to seek help for those things which i just cannot handle alone (though for what exactly and in what form i am not sure just yet).
maybe if i do it for me, and find my way again, i can let others into my life and share what i find so difficult to share of myself (in some ways, everything)

my map and compass have been trodden on but i can still make out my path, even if it is smeared with mud. at least now i have some tools to help again, instead of wandering blindly and stumbling at every step.

i dont want to be lonely anymore. i dont want to waste the rest of my life. i really want to live...
don't be strangers!

i hope everyone else out there never becomes as lost as that. and if you do i will always be hear to listen and try to help. i am sorry if i have been away for a while, but even then i was here for you all.

take care everyone and i hope you all have the lives you want now, even if they might not have been what you had wished for in the past. now is what counts, be realistic, but never forget your hopes and dreams. enjoy everything that comes your way!

loads of love, hugs and bubbles
S/Kx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

nothing (and ruminations)

i am nothing...a whisper on a breeze...the merest of touches...nothing left, no trace
the world keeps moving forward
i have been taken back and shackled to a concrete slab


saw a funky yellow and purple, spotted giraffe today - i want one!
oh, and i'd just like to take some time to berate the curanail add for making me sad!

been noticing more and more the small things again, the way i used to...
people don't seem to make me happy anymore due to the hurt i feel
it's as though i have lost my connection to humanity
maybe never to be regained

(would explain a few things i guess, and why some things are now worse since)

really wanna cause some injury atm; angry, sad, disappointed, lonely, scared and more all culminating in wanting to cause harm...a poor reaction at best, but one i have to struggle with
no replies
no explanation
no anything
just away
chugging along
happy
oblivious to the destruction
emptiness
need
want
frustration

oblivious and uncaring

sq

distraction

well, finally got my to do list sorted...a day late, but better than nothing!

heh, finally found one thing which can take my mind off things - facebook's 'pets' - a green bunny named Ivy who thwarts monsters like there's no tomorrow! heh...shame i cant do it all day every day really, int it?! kinda addictive too

yesterday i got my bed back and my room is relatively tidy...plus i have clean clothes - bonus!
other than that still pretty miserable...and unsure of whether or not im hungry.
spoke briefly to earlier, ran away pretty sharpish as if id poked hot coals under...

should probably start revising as first exam less than three weeks away now, hmm, but think i shall start tomorrow as i can use tonight to compose myself for the rest of the week!
why is there sooo much medicine?! crazy...

tis almost july now too, which means im getting old(er) but i guess with the coming (and going) of exams brings my opportunity to run away from it all. busy, busy, busy
i'm gonna be exhausted - already am! think i will use my free days over the summer just to sleep!

might be back later if and when im feeling a little more worse for wear - am actually at a reasonable point right now (no tears for one thing...) if you can call it that, heh.
right should prob get going. not sure what to do, but i should anyway

x

tether's end...

can't take it any more...

:(

on a lighter note

sophie is married!
i still can't believe it - it's crazy, and amazing!
congrats are in order, and all the well wishes in the world :)

x

failure

one thing i really dislike is how much i have failed at one thing...
the one thing i always promised myself ever since i was a little girl, and i couldn't keep that promise, no matter how hard i tried :(

i am disappointed in myself for letting it happen and to giving in to my darker side

and now i am alone and lost in a dark, dark place


dr who was good last night - but i want to see the next episode NOW!
hmm, anyone see the new thing 'jekyll', bit crazy, bit weird, and just a tad creepy, but alright, and pretty interesting
k-pax - a film i've never seen before, kevin spacey is a good actor. liked the film, though should prob read it
(oh and gavin and stacey finally got married...)

not been much else happening this weekend! at least not in my life
noone else is here so spent it alone and upset, prob not a great combo!
stupid exams coming up, but have i started doing any work for 'em?...no! dagnamit!

random tb, v...etc (reminder to self)

hmm, hope everyone else is doing ok, other people being sad isn't nice! big cuddles for those who are a bit down at the moment!

x

haiku and other...

recently bad thoughts
however i am coward
maybe gratefully

heh, not a very good haiku, but still...it conveys the mood, maybe

this is the only way i know how, and am any good at, getting my feelings out...
i need a way to express, and i need help somehow
where can i find it? what should i do?

hmm, alcohol probably doesn't help, but at the time it seems too. however it exacerbates my palpitations and so i'm trying to not have so much...(like that's gonna happen) which are getting worse, week by week it seems

maybe i should slow down, take myself out of the race for a while; do some work for a change? maybe?
trying to take control, but can't seem to reach the wheel or the brake, or anything for that matter
i feel so alone; whether that is really true or not is another matter
i have cried so much lately i have wondered if i will ever stop - writing this now has started me off! i feel pain like i've never known, amassed forever, all engulfing, consuming me
i am incomplete, yet again

i've lost my way
i have no map or compass (not even sat nav)!

maybe someday someone will find me
i've got a long wait ahead of me
(and a lot of chocolate and ice cream...)

my wall is up, and the long, arduous job of chipping it away has begun
maybe before i can create an opening big enough, it will collapse in on me and i will suffocate

hmm, depressing...
at least ssm is over :>

alone

...
empty
...
failing
...
giving up
...
hopeless
...
horrid
...
nothing
...
lonely with no cure
...

wandering

As I wander the empty streets, passed by vacant gazes I wonder if I will ever find another - an invisible, the same as me? Noone will ever understand, not again, not the same...
Alone, more so than for a long time. Lost and empty yet again. Where did the thoughts go? Why nothing?
Having taken so long, painstakingly removing some of the surround, brick by tiny brick. Now it has so quickly been replaced...seemingly by quick-dry concrete. Caged away like some uncontrollable beast - maybe it is best this way. Trapped, with nothing but a sponge - how long will it take this time? The few small windows hazy and almost light-filtered. At least before they had been clean...

Knowing full well the battlements show my own facade, it might be impossible to alert them to the truth behind the mask...there are no pillows here afterall.

The only gap the most minescule of holes, big enough to fit the thinnest of wires, at the end of which is attached a pen, which can be manipulated for the crudest of communication.
Here it rests and works, all-the-while. Scratching through the merest of ruminations which someone, perhaps, will someday find.
If the words from a song could capture these things, I know of one which is identifiable with. There are probably more.

Until then I will walk hand in hand with the dust and air...

x