still here...

ok, well i thought i would plunge back in for a bit...minus the details.
though im sure you would all love (read; not care in the slightest) to know the sordid details of absolutely anything going on in my life right now!

well, ok, since my last proper post (ie a week ago i believe) a few things have occurred which have led to my resources being sucked on quite fervently. everything got chucked up in the air and fell down again all in the wrong places. i am not denying any blame, nobody's perfect, we all make mistakes, and i am quite willing to admit my own (though not to those it doesnt concern...).

now this has led to me being quite upset (and i know im not the only one). but right now (other than being home) i am in a reasonable place right now. as someone said to me recently (and you know who you are...) que sera sera. i've just gotta get on with it for now, and im pretty good at doing that by all accounts, due to the countless years of practice i have had! all i have to do is wait it out and deal with it when it comes...joy. And mum, please don't ask...if i wanted you to know, i would tell you; there's just no point in worrying!

plus there is now one more person encompassed in my circle of whatever now...its ever expanding (albeit incredibly slowly) and i can be me. :)

i've even learnt to swallow tablets (now don't any of you out there worry...i won't be using that for bad means; trust me, it would prolly take me several days to OD and by that point my body will have already dealt with the first few...)! it would be like trying to OD on lemsip...hmm interesting thought.i just thought i'd share, as those of you who know me reasonably well will know i havent been able to do this, and its a small achievement; even if it does sound stupid to some of you.

saturday i journeyed back to this place, and though at first it was all fine, i just cant get any peace or quiet here. at least i wont be here for much longer. there is far too much noise, and not enough quiet company (or alone time)...at least the dogs understand. And though there has been a loss, and emotions are all turned upside-down, it's just no excuse for turning them on each other. All i wanted was a few days away from things, for a bit of a rest...all i get is noise in my head. disorganisation, and incoordination.

today was ok, i went out alone and walked, and shopped silently (despite talking a little to myself - but then, dont we all...) ;) it was peaceful, though perhaps a little lonely. i remembered the kids; thought about them a lot...it put such a smile on my face!i even looked at my big photo album from my travels last year...suffice it to say there was even a grin in the smile's place!
I got a few things sorted, and now i think boredom will ensue for a little while.but tomorrow will be a new day and i can organise everything and make sure i can go on the train without looking like a pack-horse on wednesday!i cant believe how many lists i have made these past few days...and i know that to get my head round everything i need to make at least one more 'uber-list'.heh...odd how we all get by.

i love every single one of you out there (though one of you more than you know...), and appreciate your support to the extent that there are no words to express my true gratitude.thank you...

i hope the above sentiment gets to the one person who i want to receive it most (and to who it actually rings true)...that message will always be unfaltering, no matter what. you know who you are and there is something in that which you have not heard from me before, that i have not directed towards you before...but it is there and i need you to know. more so, as before i have said that it might not even exist inside of me...but having you touch my life has meant that somewhere within me i can feel it, bubbling to the surface, wanting to get out...

now all we can do is wait and see.

x